you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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