Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
