I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
