He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
This is classic penis vs brain.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
