having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
