thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
