My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
