i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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