My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
