So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
