getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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