im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dear god my vagina.
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