Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i want to swaddle you in tequila
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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