Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
