I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
