hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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