Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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