I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
