I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
