My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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