Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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