I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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