My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
