If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
