what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
