Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
