I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
