You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Panties = found
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
