is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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