just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
