You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
