this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
