Don't you send me to vm
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
