Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
