you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
