cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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