Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
