That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
