I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
