Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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