mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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