using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
