I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
