I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
