then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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