Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
