Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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