So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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