Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
