I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
