My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
being pregnant is like rehab
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
