don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
